I've been feeling very innert lately, since I've started working here as a full time doctor in Bantaen hospital. The work isn't quite as hard as in Medical school where I graduated or in Khonkaen hospital where I completed my internship, but along with it it's not very challenging either. Everything is going so smoothly, a little too smoothly. There is no excitement, no ups and downs. It's not that I don't like a stable lifestyle but this is getting plain boring. It's that I don't have any goal or destination in my life anymore, I know that I never really did, but I never thought it would be so to this extent as it is now. This is no where close to what I dreamt of being, then again I never really had any dreams either,for the last 6-7 years anyway,since I madethat wrong dicisionto study Medicine whichturned my life in to a complete catastrophe and shattered all of my dreams forever, but this, this is definitely not where I want to spend the rest of the good years of my life. There is no purpose here, I am so lost, I can't believe that my life can be this boring. No, it's no that I want to go back to being an internist and have the hell worked out of me, but what I'm doing here is just plain BORING! I come to OPDs at half past eight until about four in the afternoon and then if I'm oncall I stay here in the OPD to go on line and chat with my friends and watch shows on tv-links, waiting for the nurse to notify me of some old womancoming with dizziness or fatigue or insomniafor three days orsome brat that had a fever and a severer case of parental anxiety requesting for admission. Then at ten or eleven I go back to my sorry excuse of a house get showered and go to bed. For days that I'm not on call I leave the OPDearly and spend the rest of my boring day in khon Kaen where I've lived for the past eightteen years! God! talk about routine days!
I want excitement! NO, I don't mean having a patient with acute myocardial infarction or respiratory failure--that's not excitement, that's punishment. But I want to live a more flashing life style....but then again, no job is that rewarding. Maybe I should just buy a lotto and pray for 2 billion dolars like that lucky bastard who struck it rich. God! this getting to me -_-'

I've been working here in Ban Tan Hospital for almost a month now, and it hasn't been very enjoyable. The amount of patients here is relatively low compared to other hospitals like Kasetsombun, about 100-200 per day, but when you have to take care of that load all by yourself most of the time it begins to suck. There are only 3 doctors here, including the director, he doesn't stay on call, just helps with the OPD, but I didn't expect anything much in the first place. So what's really left is me and the other senior doctor. Having to stay on call 15 days a month is bad enough but having to take care of the OPD-ER-LR -Ward alone most of the time just sucks. The senior doctor havs taken leave for 8 week days this month! 8 out of 21 week days, that means that I've been left responsible of everything in this hospital for 8 wjole days! That sucks. Why is the health care system in this country so substandard. You can't possibly expect quality medical care from a doctor that has to deal with 100+ patients per day, and that's how it has been in this country for so long when in developed countries doctors take care of 10 patients...PER WEEK! That means doctors in this third world country work 50 times more than doctors in developed countries and that patients in this country gets 50 times worse medical care! That is totally unfair and unacceptable, but I don't care anyway! Why didn't I realize this before? No, I did realize this so long agao but it was made clear when I came here-- I HATE DEALING WITH PATIENTS! I don't know how to put it but I just hate it, now a days I hardly do physicals anymore and that is just wrong, but I can't bear it, everything I've learnt, everythingI used tobelieve in just doesn't work around here. Everytime a patient comes with low back pain I ask is there any numbness, and 98% of the time the answer is YES! and when I actually do a prick test almost none of them really has any sensory impairment, so I quit doing it long ago. I'm feeling that I'm becoming a worse doctor each day. I don't know long I can tolerate this but I just know that I have to get out of this FAST!

As usual, I expect nothing good about this. It's the same old boring tiresome job, everything will suck. Nothing will be good. I will drive home whenever possible, I do not belong there and I shall never will. Long story short, again, everything is just as screwed up as ever.